17 Real Life Pros & Cons of Big Weddings vs. Elopements
as shared by a wedding photographer…
I’m Joleen, the photographer at Range of Light and I’ve been a wedding photographer for 14 years. In that time, I’ve seen some truly wonderful moments, but I’ve also seen everything you don’t see in the finished photos and videos. There is an incredible amount of pressure that comes with hosting a big wedding day. It’s not for everyone! After so many years of being behind the curtain on close to 500 weddings, I have seen and heard A LOT. None of this is speculation. All of this is based on first-hand experience as I’ve documented a day unfold.
Real quick- I’m not knocking big weddings! Many couple’s thrive on that, but I have seen couple’s who seemed to have it dawn on them that they chose wrong for them, and at that point, it’s already in motion.
Beginning with pre-wedding review about a month out, it is not uncommon for me to hear:
“I just want to skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon.” (This is the most common!)
“I want this to be over so I can go back to regular life.”
“You know like when you study for a test and then forget it all as soon as it’s over? That’s what I’m going to do with this wedding.”
It’s not that these couples didn’t want to get married or have a wedding! But big weddings take on a life of their own and can get out of control, fast.
1. Prep time and the kind of morning you’ll have, how many artists you’ll need to hire
Ask any makeup artist, getting you ready on time is no small feat, especially as the list of bridesmaids grows. Another factor is the number of hair and makeup artists you’ll need to hire, which in turn results in added cost. The more people who need services, the more your cost goes up. It is not uncommon to start at 6 AM or earlier for big wedding days. Possibly you’re not a morning person and you want to have a slower pace to the start of your day, but that’s usually not an option for big weddings.
If it’s just you or you and your partner on the other hand, that means there’s time. Time for a slow breakfast, time to eat it together, and time to share your feelings as the beginning of your elopement day starts to unfold. My favorite bonus time- time for a hot spring soak in view of the majestic snow-covered mountains.
PRO (of a big wedding) you don’t hurt any feelings and everyone is there
CON (of a big wedding) this changes the entire pace and feeling of your day.
2. Getting ready room
On the same topic of getting ready, you will need to find a space to get ready, either at your venue or super nearby, that can accommodate you, all your bridesmaids, and bridespeople (and the same for your partner). Not all venues come with a space, and if they do, they’re usually not the thoughtful Airbnb with the good view that you want to slow down and savor your wedding morning in. As a photographer I have to mention, this space will be
PRO (of big wedding) no
CON (of big wedding) you can’t choose a space based on your preference, Instead it’s based on accommodating 8 plus people to get ready. You miss out on the space that can be a beautiful addition to your finished photos.
3. Needs of many people in an unfamiliar place to them
Still on the topic of the prep morning (But this is important because it sets the pace and feeling of your day, it’s not just about getting ready). When you have a bunch of people who need to get ready for a special event, they come with lots of stuff. No one knows where anything is and as the bride or groom, you will be pulled in so many directions as someone needs extra towels, scissors, tape, and do you know if there’s a late checkout? None of these are particularly horrible questions on a regular day, but this is not a regular day. You will be bombarded with so many questions that there won’t be any time in between to simply be still.
PRO (of big wedding) there may be some people you want to include on your getting ready morning, just be super intentional about numbers and who
CON (of big wedding) We are emotional beings and we need time to process, if we’re constantly getting bombarded the day can fly by without us really being present.
4. Unintentionally playing wedding planner (even if you have a wedding planner)
This can happen nearly any time but is most common during prep, and everything that happens prior to the ceremony. You may be in a position to have your first look, you have so much joyful anticipation to finally be seeing your person, and then your phone rings because Nancy forgot her invitation and she can’t remember if she has the directions to your venue right.
This is not a made-up scenario! I have seen it happen multiple times. The bride has just put on her dress and she gets a phone call asking for directions to the venue.
PRO (of big wedding) Literally none. But regardless if it’s a big wedding or an elopement, surrender your phone!
CON (of big wedding) Distraction from you being present in the moment.
5. Last minute details creeping up during moments that should be quiet, full of anticipation, and all about being with or seeing your person for the first time
Often times during prep which can include so many meaningful moments (ie reading a note from your partner, opening a gift from your partner, practicing your vows) there is some last detail that needs to be completed, and almost always, it’s the seating chart.
PRO (of big wedding) nope!
CON (of big wedding) unnecessary details taking your attention away from the moment.
6. How environmentally friendly it is…
You already know, hosting 100+ comes with a lot of disposables. Range of Light Wed practices Leave No Trace principles at all of our elopements and small weddings.
7. A feeling of obligation to include people in parts of your day you would rather have in privacy
This is a big one and one I can relate to as a fellow introvert. The obvious big one is the ceremony, but there is so much more than that.
Big wedding or elopement regardless, I make it my intention to hold space for you to share in meaningful moments. I think of it as my highest priority. But even if I’m helping make the time, the thing is, there is almost always an audience. It’s not all bad, the people there are usually the ones who love you, but it is so hard to say “NO you can’t be a part of this,” when so many people are already present at all parts of your day.
And some of the moments that happen, they’re not planned!
And so those spontaneous moments of quiet or excitement or emotion together will be surrounded by people. Some of these moments may be your first look (audience), reading a letter delivered to you from your partner (audience), writing your letter to your partner (audience), saying your vows with an audience (more on that later), and one that seriously kills me everytime:
The moment immediately following the ceremony, you’ve just made a covenant promise to each other, you’re overflowing with joy and emotion at what you’ve just done together, and Uncle Bob literally goes out of his way to shake your hand and ask you what beer you have on tap. I AM NOT KIDDING! This is a once-in-a-lifetime moment that should be sealed into your memory in its fullest most uninterrupted state!
PRO (of a big wedding) there are parts of your vows you DO want to share with everyone
CON (of a big wedding) feeling distracted because eyes and phones are pointed at you, cutting beautiful moments short because Uncle Bob has needs.
8. First look or no first look…
The very practical realization from a big wedding day is that if you don’t have one, you’ve lost a moment of alone time you wouldn’t get otherwise. The thing about elopements is that you give yourself the greatest gift of time together! It truly is the best thing you can do for yourself.
We’re all familiar with that moment, the moment you see each other for the first time. Many people still want that “end of the aisle” grand reveal moment. Some of my elopement couples also want this, so no “first look.” What bothers me is that some big wedding couples truly don’t want to see each other before the ceremony for a first look, and that’s okay with me. But then they realize that logistically it makes the most sense. So they are compromising on something they’ve told me they imagined since they started dating, changing to something for logistics. It’s a bummer!
PRO (of a big wedding) ???
CON (of a big wedding) you may need to compromise on things that were important to you (not having a first look) for the sake of logistics
9. Including activities that are special to you wouldn’t get to do on a regular wedding
You can make your elopement day the jumping-off point for a bucket list item or the start of a unique honeymoon. We all want to have shared experiences with our person. A bucket list vacation or learning a new skill together turns into great memories and can sometimes be totally foundational to our relationship. Something I love about elopements is that there is so much more time, with the added benefit of not catering to the needs of 100+ people. This means you can totally do an activity you already love together, or do one you’ve always wanted. What better way to remember your wedding than sharing an experience?
If you’re skiers and snowboarders, go for a morning ride.
If skydiving has always been on your list, do it together for the first time on your wedding day!
If you want to experience a new adventure location or national park, your entire wedding day can happen there!
PRO (of a big wedding) none, it’s pretty impossible to do anything like this on a big wedding
CON (of a big wedding) no activities for you
10. The pace and timeline of a regular wedding day
A big wedding day is very much an event and one that has a schedule that is catered to your guests. We can’t keep them waiting, because you are the hosts, and they are there to see you. But there is still a lot that needs to be accomplished on a big wedding day. We already talked about the time it takes to get ready, there’s going to be a lot of group photos, and once we get to the reception you’ll feel obligated to thank everyone for coming. Usually, your day is planned in 15-minute increments without a lot of time spontaneity or even breaks.
PRO (of a big wedding) you will likely get to check off all the traditional stuff that happens at a traditional wedding.
CON (of a big wedding) There's no time to just be with your person. You’ll be shifted from one moment to the next like a celebrity on display.
11. Choosing a location based on numbers and the convenience of your guests (not to mention the cost)
If you find peace, inspiration, and bonding moments in the outdoors, it’s going to be a hard compromise to find a venue that gives you all those feelings and can host all your guests. It is really difficult to find a venue that brings your heart home to the mountains and is convenient for everyone you know.
PRO (of a big wedding) everyone gets to be there
CON (of a big wedding) everyone gets to be there and the location might not speak to you.
12. Including your dogs (and having them with you the whole time, and not having to trust a “dog handler” for certain parts)
This is a big one for me and I know many couples share the feeling- you want your dogs to be a part of the whole experience! I’ve seen many big wedding couples include their dogs, but there is always an element of added stress. They love their puppers of course, so it’s stressful for them because they want to make sure they’re taken care of. It’s impossible to have your dog with you for every single part of a big wedding day, so you’ll need to entrust someone who isn't overly involved (usually a niece or a nephew) to take care of them. This makes a lot of my couples worry.
PRO (of a big wedding) yes your dog can come to some venues, but not all.
CON (of a big wedding) you can’t be with your dog the whole time and the locations are not really dog friendly (or dog enjoyable for that matter).
13. Saying vows in front of an audience
The possible feeling of putting on a show, and certain inhibitions about not being able to truly react with so many eyes on you. On that note, not even touching when you first see each other. This is a big one and usually something couples share with me from the very first inquiry. They know the weight of their vows and they’re expecting some emotional moments together. My eloping couples want to be free to react without an audience 100 pairs of eyes and 100 phones on them. They don’t want to feel like they’re in a play with the expectations of how vows should go. They also don’t want anything to take them out of this moment, and it’s really hard not to get taken out of the moment when you know someone is watching.
And on another note, isn't it strange that at a big wedding when you finally see each other at the end of the aisle, you don’t touch or hug or even actually say anything to each other until the vow part? This is a huge moment and something I think needs to be looked at with intention, and take place wherever you feel the most freedom to be your truest self with your person as you promise your lives to each other.
PRO (of a big wedding) there are probably a lot of people that want to hear your private vows
CON (of a big wedding) no privacy, no space to react emotionally, no one ever touches, being distracted by everyone watching.
14. Immediately following the ceremony, expectations, timeline, people, family photos
I touched on this in #7 and I’m going to say it again because it MATTERS!
You come back down the aisle as a married couple once. It is incredible. As an outsider I can feel the swell of emotion carry you, I can only imagine what it feels like for you. It is truly such a beautiful thing to witness, which is why it frustrates me to no end when this precious, beautiful moment alone as a married couple is interrupted prematurely. I try desperately to play gatekeeper for you at a big wedding, but guests don’t realize that this is such a special moment.
Usually, after you’ve had a brief moment alone, soaking it in you’re MARRIED, we begin family photos. This can be a very stressful time for couples because this is where the hosting part of the party begins. You as the couple want to be present in the festivities, but patience runs thin as important family members are missing, and the clock on your reception is ticking.
PRO (of a big wedding) you can still have this moment
CON (of a big wedding) it will likely be interrupted.
15. The kind of photos you get
Continuing on with our last point, once family photos are completed, there is a tiny bit of time where we take your couple’s pictures as quickly as possible, trying to get you announced into your reception without keeping the guests waiting for too long. It’s a bit of a mad dash, but these photos are so important. But of course, keeping everyone waiting is bad, and getting dinner started on time is good!
I must point out as the photographer, that every effort is made to create something beautiful, but it’s plain to see that not having these time restrictions, and not being tied to a traditional wedding venue really does open doors for a different kind of couple’s pictures.
PRO (of a big wedding) you are in love and that is all it takes to take a couple’s photos
CON (of a big wedding) they will be quick and probably not in the best possible location
16. The actual amount of time it takes to have a “meaningful conversation with all your guests” in real numbers
Let’s get into real numbers.
You have 100 guests. You want to have a meaningful conversation with all of them, but if we are being realistic, 3 minutes is probably the best you can do.
3 minutes x 100 guests= 5 hours!
Now let's assume those are couples and few friend groups, so 2.5 hours
You don’t have time to talk for 2 and a half hours at your reception! And if you did, wouldn't that make you feel exhausted?
PRO (of a big wedding) maybe you will feel good you thanked every single person?
CON (of a big wedding) this is exhausting and literally eats up all your party time
17. I will leave you with one final thought to consider, the clean up
After all the shenanigans of the night before, did you know that many venues will have you clean up before 12 the next day? Does that sound good to you?!
Now it’s up to you. Here's what to do next:
Sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what matters to YOU and what you’re probably doing because it’s tradition or because you feel obligated by family. This day is absolutely worth making decisions for yourself, even if not everyone agrees. You don’t want to be the couple that realizes 6 weeks out that they chose wrong for themselves.
I will see you on a mountaintop for your elopement! And if you need any help in the meantime, we’re all here to help! Just hit that contact button and I will personally respond to you.