Big Wedding vs Elopement
Which one is right for you?
Is an elopement right for you? Is a big wedding or an elopement better?
This is a big decision! It's ok if you're not sure how you want to get married. I just want to remind you that there is no right or wrong way. You need to BE TRUE TO YOURSELVES! There are no do-overs when it comes to your wedding and you don't want to walk away from this day with any regrets.
I'm Joleen, I'm the photographer in the team. Before I was an elopement photographer, I photographed big weddings for over a decade. I’ve always played a close role in the planning process, and this allowed me to hear first hand the frustrations and regrets that couples express about planning and experiencing a big wedding day.
If any of these thoughts have crossed your mind, take a deep breath, put down that guest list, and close that Pinterest tab. Think about what truly feels like the best way to kick off your married life together.
Here are a few things to consider when trying to figure out which type of wedding is the best fit for you.
THE GUEST LIST
It never fails! The guest list is always one of the first things that start to make planning a big wedding feel complicated and burdensome. If you’ve chatted with literally any couple who have made a guest list together, you know, THIS STRUGGLE IS REAL.
Why though?
With bigger weddings, there is such a sense of obligation when it comes to the guest list. We care about all of these people. The funny thing is (and a clue into why you may want to elope) often we’re inviting people because we know our mom, dad, grandparents, or boss expects us to.
What?!
You are inviting people to your wedding, due to a sense of obligation, that you have no interest in spending time with. Or that you have zero connection to.
It’s a vicious cycle. As you work through your relationships and acquaintances, you’ll realize, “If I invite this group of people, then we HAVE to invite this group of people….” The list goes on and on.
Keep in mind, that this is just the planning stages. You’re trying to get numbers so you can go venue shopping and tell your caterer how many people you need to feed. What hasn't even happened yet is the wedding day.
Again, we care about people…
So I can tell you first hand it is a major stressor when the day actually arrives and you feel a responsibility to greet every single person, and thank them for coming. Speaking to over 100 people personally on a day that is supposed to be about the two of you is a huge distraction and very time consuming.
Did you know that according to The Knot, in 2021, 50% of guests actually didn't enjoy attending a wedding they were invited to. You read that right, half of the guests you're potentially hosting, may not even want to come. When I read that metric it really made me pause. It's a big deal to host a big group of people, and it never crossed my mind that half of them might not even want to be there!
CHOOSING A VENUE
If you’ve worked out your guest list and you have a guest count, then it’s time to dive into venue shopping. Many couples tell me this is a job in itself. You want to find a venue that “feels right,” but logistically it needs to check a few other boxes.
-it has to fit within your budget
-it has to accommodate your guest list
So you can imagine that finding the place that speaks to you and meets those other requirements is hard. I’ve actually met with a couple the morning before they went to view their potential venue, AND meet with their caterer. They were interviewing me as their photographer, but they shared that they were feeling very overwhelmed. They were having apprehensions about accommodating all the people on their guest list.
When we said goodbye, and they were off to their potential venue, they were fully planning on hosting a big wedding at a traditional venue.
A couple of weeks went by and I got a text that said something like, “If we eloped with just you, what would that look like?”
I immediately tried to describe the beauty and pace of an elopement day.
You’re not alone if the cost of a traditional venue to host 100+ guests feels very limiting and very impersonal.
You’re also not alone if a traditional venue doesn’t give you “the feels.”
Your wedding is a big deal, and it's justifiable to want to feel something special when you choose the location. Locations that inspire awe in you, speak to you as a couple, or hold special meaning in your history or locations that have always been a bucket list item you’ve shared may be better suited for the experience you're hoping to have.
THE BUDGET
This goes hand in hand with venue shopping, but we all know that weddings are expensive. It takes a big budget to accommodate a big guest list in a nice venue. There’s nothing wrong with that, but here’s what I want you to consider:
Do you value what you’re spending your hard-earned money on?
If the big wedding day plan is starting to feel like something you don’t want to dip into your savings for, then you shouldn’t.
On the other hand, if a shared experience on the day you become a married couple feels like a dream come true...while doing your favorite activity, always together, not distracted, in a beautiful location sounds perfect...then you probably value where your dollars are going.
Honestly, that cash you were about ready to drop on a big event will go so far for the perfect adventure for the two of you.
THE TIMELINE
Big weddings come with tons of obligations. When I make big wedding schedules, almost every 15-minute chunk is accounted for. The pace can be intense, and it’s not for every personality. There are often so many people involved that a big portion of time is spent in shared preparations, greeting your guests (as a sprint, jumping from table to table as if your life depended on it), wrangling big groups of family members, dragging your bridal party away from the open bar. It’s not all bad, but it’s not for everyone.
I have a quote that breaks my heart every time I think of it. One of my brides was getting ready, and the morning was busy. She had just put on her dress and she looked at me and quietly said, “I can’t wait for this to be over.”
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to get married! She was just feeling so exhausted, she was spread so thin, and what she really wanted to do was get to her honeymoon so that she and her partner could spend quality time together.
Hang on.
Don’t skip that.
She wanted her wedding day to be over so she could see her partner. What?
Big wedding days are often so busy that you will likely not get very much time together and definitely not alone. I’ve long been a promoter of the first look, and then I started begging couples to take 10 minutes alone right after the ceremony. I held these chunks of time sacred for my couples because I could see them visually loosen as they could touch, talk, and express their shared joy together. They are literally my favorite parts of a big wedding day. If you elope, if you have a tiny guest list, imagine all the shared moments.
I love the anticipation, don’t you? There is so much anticipation throughout the prep, getting dressed, and writing your vows. What if that time could be spent together?! I honestly believe more time together multiplies your joy.
RELATIONSHIPS
I will just touch on this briefly because if you’re feeling that little nag of discomfort, you already know. Not all of us have the perfect family life, and so many of us have experienced the pain of broken relationships. There is an obligation to invite everyone to your wedding, regardless of the hurts or unresolved issues in the past. Some of these hurts may be the worst thing you’ve ever lived through. Healing and forgiveness is of course the ideal scenario, but can’t be forced and is not on a timeline. If you have these hurts, do you really want that person or those people to be with you on your wedding day?
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START YOUR MARRIED LIFE?
For some, a huge party with all their friends from college is exactly how they want to mark the occasion.
But for you, it could be misery.
You don’t thrive in large groups. You don’t like to be on display or the center of attention. You consider yourself an introvert, but you feel completely at home with a small group of your closest friends and family. Being in nature refreshes and revives you. You love exploring and experiencing new things with your closest person, your soon-to-be husband or wife.
Quiet everyone else's opinions, the traditions, or the way that your friend from school had her wedding. Listen to your gut.
Ask yourself, are you compromising your ideal day to please someone who isn’t your fiance?
Your elopement day, the way you mark the occasion, the way you jump off into your married life should be the experience that feels the best and gives you the most contentment. It’s not a performance or an obligation to family. It is for YOU. It is for the TWO OF YOU.
If you’re on the fence and still deciding what feels right for you, I would love to help. I am an open book, and I’ve seen a lot throughout my big wedding days. It would be an honor to help you figure out the way you want to start your married life.
We're here for you!